


Broken Promises (Roy POV)

by Cai (caidanu), Rei382



Series: RoyEd Month 2020 [7]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Heavy Angst, M/M, Roy's trials, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-20
Updated: 2020-05-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:09:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24294877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caidanu/pseuds/Cai, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rei382/pseuds/Rei382
Summary: Roy expected many to have opinions about how his trials had ended. He expected every visit to be emotional, painful and draining. But he didn't expect the amount of pain one specific meeting would cause.
Relationships: Edward Elric/Roy Mustang
Series: RoyEd Month 2020 [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1726801
Comments: 18
Kudos: 36
Collections: RoyEd month





	Broken Promises (Roy POV)

**Author's Note:**

> This is a collab work with Caidanu, based on our boys. I typically write Roy, while Caidanu writes Ed. For 520 day, we decided to explore what would happen if Roy had his trials for his war crimes, and lost. The result is an insane amount of angst, but I am happy to have had the chance to go there and explore this aspect of Roy's life, since it is a relatively plausible outcome.

In the end it was all very anti-climactic. Roy wasn’t exactly sure what he expected. Fireworks? A war breaking out, millions dying, sacrificing their own lives for him? Women wailing and men yelling?

He’d had none of that.

When the court decided his fate the hall was silent. Quieter than a grave. Probably. He would soon find out.

He had thought about this moment a lot and the verdict came as no surprise for him. Already at the initial stages of his trial the results of it were clear; everything else was just procedures. Yes, he’d gathered his evidence and witnesses and argued that he deserved a second chance; but it was all just a show. The verdict had been decided the moment Roy had been announced a war criminal in his hearing. Something inside him told him he should have fought harder; should have pulled some strings to try and get an easier sentence. Should have begged for his life. But the rest of him knew that he got what he deserved, and got off easy, too.

For maybe he was not the head of the military when the horrors of Ishval took place. Maybe he was not the one to make the decision to annihilate the minority: men, women and children. But he had carried out his orders without fail. With a snap of his fingers dozens had died. With a word of his mouth other dozens lost their lives.

It was true that he did everything he could to make up for it, and more. Did his best to turn the wheel back and try to make things better. He aimed high so he can change things from the root. He arranged and participated in the attempts to rebuild Ishval, and other places that were damaged during King Bradley’s corrupted ruling. He put his time and effort into rebuilding the city. He made sure to transfer funds for rehabilitation and compensation. He placed the base for a democracy to ensure such a thing will not happen again. He integrated minorities in the military, to enable them to get a decent living even when they did not have appropriate education, and made sure to enroll as many of them as he possibly could in schools and universities to make sure future generations will have a better chance at a good, stable life.

But none of this could ever undo what he had done. No amount of new legislation, rebuilding or education can bring back all the lives he’d demolished. The way he saw it, the death sentence that had been ruled on him was a sweetened ruling. He deserved far worse that a firing squad.

Outside of the court it was more crowded. It was still military property, and as such, off limits for regular citizens. But Roy was no ordinary soldier. Not only was he high ranked, at least, until a few minutes ago before he was stripped of his General stars, but he also had his name parading in front of him as the man who took King Bradley out even if it wasn’t exactly accurate. He was known as the man who started the coup that turned Amestris around. He was known as the man who fought alongside the Fullmetal Alchemist, the Hero of the People.

His heart clenched at the thought.

He had long ago stopped denying his feelings towards his former subordinate. He wasn’t sure when, or how, it had started; but at some point after the Promised Day it was clear to him. He no longer viewed Edward Elric as the brilliant yet somewhat annoying teenage boy he used to be. He grew up and stripped from the remains of his baby fat along his State Alchemist title. With that he gave up his rank and position under Roy, which enabled them, especially after everything they’ve been through during the Promised Day, to form some kind of a friendship. At first that was all it was. Two men who have been through hell and brought together by circumstances sharing their pain and mutual interest in an attempt to feel less lonely, even if just for an hour or two a week. But with time it changed, and it became more than that. Roy got the feeling that he was not the only one feeling the change, but he did not dare doing anything about it. Even if Edward wanted their friendship to turn into something more, Roy was not sure it would be a smart move with their history and age difference. His suspicion of Edawrd’s feelings was confirmed when they both drank one glass of whiskey too much and ended up in Roy’s bed; but it was still not right and Roy did not let this turn into something more regular. It did happened a few more times that left Roy sated but shameful of himself. He found himself considering asking Edward for more, telling him how he felt, but his conscious could not let him corrupt pure Edward by getting him involved with Roy with anything more than casual.

By the time his feelings were strong enough to consider giving up on his principles it was already clear that he was going to get his military trial for his war crimes with high chance of the end result being his execution. It was unfair for Edward to start anything when Roy was certain he’d had a very limited time to be alive. Edward deserved better. He deserved a decent, _good_ human being who will stay with him forever and grow old with him; not a murderous monster. Not someone who has inching at forty and expecting an untimely death to come upon them within weeks, months at best case scenario.

After his military-appointed lawyer managed to get him out of the reporters’ demanding claws, he was placed in his cell. A private one, in the better section of the military jail. A war criminal and stripped from his ranks, but it seemed that Roy still had some privileges. He was grateful for this even though he did not feel he deserved it. The last thing he wanted was to share his last few days stuck in a tiny cell with another convict. He preferred to spend his last days in solitude and in silence. He preferred his only company to be his own thoughts, depressing as they were.

*

He did not know how many hours it had been. Of course, being Roy Mustang, he’d had his visitors. Fuhrer Armstrong stopped by. She spoke with him at length, telling him about how she couldn’t throw the sentence he was given. She would have loved to, she said – but what kind of a message would that give? This was not the ground on which she wanted to rebuild Amestris. She said that she knew he would understand; and he did. Had she used her power to save him he would not have forgiven her. She said that she would make sure that his last days would be as comfortable as they could be, and that she will use her position to get him the most humane execution Amestris could offer. He believed her, and was thankful to her. There were others; almost anyone who had worked with him visited him. Cried at his cell. Told him of the injustice of the verdict – how, yes, he’d sinned, he’d committed war crimes; but it was a war, and he was a soldier, and he was only following orders. It was tiring repeating the same words over and over again, convincing his friends and comrades that he was okay with his verdict.

Roy just wanted to be left alone. He was glad when finally it was the end of visiting hours and everyone were shooed away, leaving him to wallow in his own misery.

He was surprised, then, when he heard footsteps drawing closer. Not the easily recognizable military stomp, but familiar altogether. However, it was only when he heard the incredibly familiar voice greeting him that he realized who it was. Roy looked up from the random point on the wall he was staring at. Out of all the people that could visit him… He brought his eyes up to meet golden ones. He knew he should not be surprised that Edward was here. After all, he did promise to support him on his way to achieve Fuhrership, in his own way, and especially considering their relationship after the Promised Day had ended and Edward had returned from his travels. He saw the way he was looking at him. Not unlike everyone else, with an ounce of sadness. Did his eyes shimmer in the dim light of the prison cell? Roy found his heart aching in his chest.

He was the one who was facing his coming end, and yet, he felt the need to reach over and wipe the unshed tear away. To hold Edward close and promise him that everything would be okay. Because it would be. Roy believed that. He had to. He got up from his seat on the uncomfortable prison bed and walked towards the bars, stopping about a foot away from them.

“Hello, Edward,” he said, and then realized there was nothing he could say that wouldn’t sound like a run-down cliché. “You’ve heard the news,” he said eventually. Direct and to the point. Mostly, anyway. Edward deserved that. He deserved that, at the very least, Roy wouldn’t mistreat him by saying idle words. “I’m sorry that you had to hear about it that way, but considering my status, I couldn’t really contact anyone.” Not that he had the time to do that either.

He saw how Edward’s breath hitched for a second as he drew closer, the look on his face telling him he was surprised. Of what? Roy was sure he did not look in his best. This whole day was... difficult, to say the least. Surely being notified of his own death sentence, regardless of being aware for weeks that his trial was going in this direction and a lifetime of knowing it was a valid possibility for him, left its mark on him. The toll of talking to all the people coming to... Apologize? Cheer him up? Cheer themselves up? Surely left another mark on him. He wondered if Edward already regretted coming here.

Did Roy?

He didn’t want Edward to remember him like this. Exhausted, dressed in military jail uniform, and far from optimistic. He wanted Edward to remember him like he was the last time he met him, just a few weeks ago. Strong, proud, happy. It was easier to pretend before it was widely known. He couldn’t help but wonder: was his presence this revolting to him? Did he finally see him as he truly was: a sinner, a criminal, a monster? Roy refrained from getting any closer. He felt awful for pretending these past few weeks. He already knew in a way. The winds were blowing a certain direction and someone of his stand could not miss it unless he tried to, very hard. But what was he supposed to say? The fact that he, and the other people who served with him, were to be tried soon was no secret. The newspapers followed his case closely. His trial date was published two weeks ago, along with the fact that due to the sensitivity of the matter, it would be closed to the general public. The only thing the newspapers did not have access to was the inside information.

“Yeah, I read it fresh off the press. I guess the military doesn’t waste any time.” The bitterness in Edward’s voice pierced through Roy’s heart. Would it have made any difference whether Edward had heard the news from his own mouth rather than the newspaper? Roy didn’t know what they said about him there. He had to assume all his past crimes would be printed. The war. His coup. All his strategic planning and not exactly purest intentions with everything he did. How he chased each promotion, clung to it with his claws. How he shifted all the cards to be in his favor. Not that it did him any good, in the end. He was worse than the common private.

But Edward already knew all of that. Roy had told him before. Confessed to his crimes. He was never the kind of man to try and sweep his mistakes under the carpet. He doubted it would have made any difference. Edward would be disgusted with him whether he heard the news directly from him or not.

“When is it going to happen?”

Roy saw the difference in posture when Edward asked his question. Was he preparing himself for the bad news? Roy wasn’t sure what information was printed. Did it have this information, and Edward just rushed here? Did they leave it out? In a way, it made sense that they would leave the date out. He knew it was not going to be an event. Just him, the technician who would do it, and if he wanted, someone to accompany him. Roy did not want anyone to be there with him. He shook his head. “I know you have your objections on that matter, but as a whole, the military is a very efficient system.” When it wanted to be, anyway. “Next week,” he said, matter-of-factly. “Tuesday. Five pm.”

“Next week?”

Roy’s heart ached when he saw the look of absolute horror on Edward’s face. It broke in his chest at the sight of a tear sliding down his cheek, to see him leaning closer to his cell bars, almost clinging to it. He wanted to reach over and wipe it away, but he wasn’t sure the gesture would be welcomed. Yes, they shared a few heated nights. Yes, they were friends. But was he allowed this intimacy? Did he have the right to want it, considering he will disappear from his life in eight days’ time?

“Don’t you get an appeals process?”

“I forfeited it,” Roy replied. Hesitating, he walked closer to the bars. He’d heard Edward’s soft question, barely audible, yet it somehow felt loud in the silence of his cell. Would it be wrong to place his hand on Edward’s? “I was tried for my crimes. My sentence passed. Appealing would be wrong. It would defy everything I worked so hard for. I deserve what I got,” he said. “I murdered hundreds, Edward. I looked children in the eye and with a snap of my fingers eradicated them from this world. Compared to what I’d done, I’m getting off easy.”

Edward shook his head. “That’s not true. I know what you did,” he looked away. “I also know what you’ve done afterwards,” he said, keeping his voice low. “All the good, how much you’ve been helpin’ people out, trying to make this country better.”

Roy watched, heartbroken, when Edward couldn’t stand to look at him anymore. He waited quietly, letting him recompose himself. The news of his sentence were hard for everyone. There was not a person who had visited him since his trial ended this morning and did not say those words. _You didn’t deserve that. You did well. You would have made a great Fuhrer._ But there was something about the way Edward had said it, something about how the ever strong Hero of the People had to hold himself back from… what? Crying? Shouting? Hitting the bars? That was even more touching. For the first time Roy felt selfish for accepting his fate like this.

He had his reasons. If his goal was, first and foremost, to make Amestris a better, just country, then trying to defy his own sentence would do the exact opposite. He was leaving the country in good hands. Olivier was a good woman. Smart, and just, and cold as steel. She would do what was needed without being too emotional about it, while still caring for the people, because Roy knew how well she treated her soldiers up north. They each would give their lives for her, and that meant something. The trials cleaned up almost everything that was bad with Amestris; those who were involved with King Bradley and his scheme and somehow survived the Promised Day. Those who showed no remorse for Ishval, Lior, and all the other bloodsheds this country had seen. Those who were willing to take lives as easily as others would pick a flower. He knew that when he will be gone everything he had worked for would not be gone.

“You were supposed to turn this country into a democracy,” Ed’s voice shook. Roy could see the hesitation in his movements as he stepped closer again, his hand returning to hold on the bars.

He closed his eyes briefly, and then took one more step forward. He raised his hand, intending to place it on Edward’s, but he thought again and instead placed it on a different bar. “Everything I’ve done afterwards does not change the horrors I’d caused in the past. I deserve to be punished, Edward.”

“Haven’t you punished yourself enough?”

“No, I haven’t. Even a firing squad is nothing compared to what I did. My death will not change the future of Amestris. Fuhrer Armstrong is a good woman. She sees things the way I do, and she will continue on the path to make it a better place for everyone. Everything I worked for will not be gone just because I am.”

“It won’t be the same.” Ed worried his lips a little. “I know she’s a good person, but she’s also harsh. They killed a lot of people during the Promised Day, and your team had no casualties. I don’t get how killing you changes the past? How does it make up for it? How is it justice killing you when you still can do so much good?”

Roy was surprised by the intensity of Edward’s words. Out of all the people who had visited him today, he saw many emotions; sadness, mostly. Regret. Pity. But anger wasn’t one of them. Edward was _mad_ at him for accepting his fate. How could he not see it? How could he not understand?

“It can’t change the past, nor can it make up for it. I am not stupid, Edward.”

“I know you’re not stupid – “

Roy ignored Edward’s attempt to cut into his words and kept going. “I know this. But what do you think will happen if they spare me? I was not just a mere soldier back then. I was a State Alchemist with the power to kill dozens in a few seconds, and I used that power in abundance. How is it justice to let me live? How can Amestris become a real democracy, a real country for all of its people, if they keep people like me unpunished?”

“Look me in the eyes and tell me you think this country will be a better place without you. That there’s not gonna be a giant, vacant hole left behind that will never be filled. That I won’t—” Edward stopped in his tracks, making Roy wonder what he was about to say.

“In this aspect, yes,” he lifted his eyes to Edward’s, facing him evenly. “I think this country will be a better place without me. I don’t like this anymore than you do,” just the thought was ridiculous. “I do not have any kind of death wish, Edward. I enjoy being alive. I would love to stay that way. But the things I’d done – the crimes I’d committed – had led to this point. And there is nothing I can, or should, do about it. Every person dying is a hole left that’s impossible to fill. I am no better than anyone else.”

Roy hesitated, his thoughts returning to Edward’s unfinished sentence. Did he want to hear those words? If Edward had made the decision not to say them he must have had a reason. He looked at Edward. At his beautiful golden eyes, still wet and threatening to drop another tear at a moment’s hesitation. At his eyebrows, brought together in anger and frustration. Would he regret asking?

Would he regret not asking even more? He drew slightly closer. “That you won’t, what?” he asked softly.

“That I won’t feel it. Feel that void you’re gonna leave.” Ed gently touched his own chest. His voice was so low Roy barely heard him despite how close he was standing.

He watched Edward’s hand returning to the bars, his fingers curling over the metal, brushing lightly against his own. Roy’s heart ached at the sight. He pulled himself slightly closer again, now almost leaning against the bars, and looked up to meet Edward’s eyes. Seeing Edward now, like this, was harder than anything Roy had done before. The idealist, always good Edward, falling apart in front of his eyes with nothing he could do about it. He knew that he would never be able to accept the verdict. He would fight. He would not understand why it was needed. That was why he kept it hidden from him ever since it was already clear to Roy that this is where his trail was going to lead him.

“I never said that,"”he said gently, quietly. “I know it will be hard. I know you will miss me. But…” he moved his hand to touch Ed’s hand. When there was no objection, he let his thumb press against Edward’s skin. “It will heal. Eventually. Maybe it will take a month, maybe a year. Maybe a bit more, but the pain will fade. You will forget about me. Maybe one day even understand why this is the only way. You’re one of the strongest men I have ever had the pleasure to meet, Edward, and I’m…” he paused. “I’m just your former commanding officer, and a friend.”

Oh, how he wished they could be more than that. But he knew that if he allowed his feelings to wander free, if he allowed himself to give in to what he selfishly wanted, everything would have been so much harder. It was unfair to Edward. The few times he took him to his bed were mistakes. Crossing the border of something that should be kept well in its place, suppressed and ignored. 

Roy saw the hurt in Edward’s eyes at his words and he regretted saying them. He had an apology standing on his lips but bit it back, instead waiting in silence for Edward to find the words he wanted to say.

When he spoke, it was in such a quiet voice it took a few seconds for Roy to realize that he’d heard right, and that it wasn’t just his imagination making things up.

“You mean more to me than that.”

Roy wanted to reach over through the bars and wipe away the tears that threatened at Edward’s eyes. He wanted to tell him that he felt the same. That he lied. That it had been years since Edward stopped being just a subordinate and became something much more endeared to him. That from the start he wasn’t like his other subordinate. A part of him, a selfish part, wanted to tell him just how much he’d meant to him ever since they started seeing each other on regular basis. Ever since the first time they shared a bed.

He bit the words back, knowing that if he admitted it now it would only cause more pain. To both of them.

“Forget you?” Ed continued. “Do you think so little of yourself that you believe I’ll just… move on and forget everything you’ve done for Al and me?”

Roy waited for a moment, having a feeling that Ed was going to say something more. A part of him wanted to ask, wanted to pressure farther. To hear those words he knew Edward was holding back. But just like he didn’t express his own feelings, he knew pressing Edward to admit his would be just as devastating.

“I’m not asking you to forget that. Just whatever feelings you might have for me,” he said instead.

“I don’t want to forget us, Roy. Even if I did, I wouldn’t be able to.” Roy watched as Edward looked away from him, as if he couldn’t stand to see him right now. Roy couldn’t blame him, but he knew this would probably be the last time he saw him. Every second was priceless and it pained to lose even a single one. “What about all the people you did save? All the soldiers under you that you kept safe won’t feel it. Do you think they could just forget you? You think it’s right for them?”

He pressed his thumb gently against Edward’s hand, trying to get him to look at him. “Edward, all the good I did will remain,” he said, trying to keep the pain away from his voice. He knew it was still very present, but he kept trying regardless. The last thing he wanted was to leave this world knowing the last thing he did was cause Edward pain, but it seemed inevitable, considering the circumstances. “This is not going to change. My sentence makes sure that the foundations on which this country will be rebuilt will be strong and just. Granting me – people like me – a pardon, even letting me rot in jail, will tell those who were hurt by Amestris’s actions that country spits in their faces, after everything it had already done. It will show that status does still grant you immunity. That cannot happen at a democracy.”

“You wanna know what would happen if they spared you or what kind of message it would send?” Finally, Edward looked at him again. But the pained look in his eyes almost made Roy regret his silent wish. “It would show this country’s capable of forgiveness for someone remorseful and it’s possible for someone to change and do good.”

Roy breathed in deeply. This… was exactly why he wanted to be left alone. To leave in peace. There was nothing he could – or should – do about his situation. He stated his case in the military court. He’d had his witnesses, just as the State had its witnesses. He did not hide the truth, and he did not hide his remorse and the way he tried to make up for his past mistakes. Past crimes. He knew that this decision was not an easy one. The corrupted brass was gone: killed in the Promised Day or banished after it. Whoever was left was an ally, to one level or another. But there was no denying the facts: He was a powerful soldier abusing his power to kill thousands. He was a part of a genocide, and he did nothing to stop it. He knew, already back when he set his goal to be Amestris’s Fuhrer, that there was no way he could undo what he’d done. That no matter how hard he worked at rebuilding Ishval, at making Amestris a democracy and a safer place for everyone, it would not be enough to atone for his sins. He deserved his verdict, and he wasn’t sure if he could live in a country that would leave a man like him – remorseful or not – alive. He did not deserve to live.

At least his comrades understood it. It was hard meeting with them as well. It was draining to repeat that he was okay with this. It was tiring to hear them say that he deserved better. It was exhausting consoling them when he knew he had mere eight days left to be alive. But Edward…

He looked at him. At the traces his tear left on his right cheek. At how his eyes seemed to still be threatening to let go of more tears any second. He had never seen Edward Erlic cry through all the horrors he made him go through while he was his subordinate. Angry, violent, wild: yes. But he’d never shed a tear, at least not in Roy’s presence. This was more heartbreaking than anything. Standing here, convincing Edward that dying was the right thing to do; that he deserved it; that everything will be okay; that he will get over this – this was the hardest meeting yet.

“This is not about forgiveness,” he said eventually. He saw Edward’s eyes narrow in frustration. He had to make him _understand_. “It is not about changing. This is not… I did not steal, or threaten, or corrupt evidence. I am a murderer. I took lives. More than you can conceive. No amount of good I can do in a lifetime can correct that. There is nothing I can do to bring back those who are lost. There is nothing I could say that would console all those who lost their loved ones.”

“You’re right. You killed a lot of people, and you should have stood up and tried to stop it. I know that dead is dead.” Edward’s grip on the bars tightened, his knuckles now pearl white. “How many people are alive because of you? The entire country’s alive because of you. That suddenly doesn’t matter to you anymore? You think that what you did in the past negates the good you do before and after?”

Roy kept moving his thumb over Edward’s hand, but that seemed to make Edward move his hand away. He rubbed at his temple, his eyes moving about as if he was looking for something to look at other than Roy.

“You’re not a monster,” he’d said eventually, finally returning his gaze back to Roy. “I spent a lot of time with Kimblee at Briggs and nothing you can say can convince me you’re no different than he was.”

“I know,” Roy replied simply. ‘d killed probably hundreds of people, but he was there in the battlefield with Kimblee. Low as his thoughts of himself were, he knew that at least he didn’t enjoy carrying out his deadly orders like the Crimson Lotus Alchemist. “But killing me will not kill the people I saved, either. It will not undo the good things I did do. But it will bring justice,” he paused, and tried to reach for Edward’s hand through the bars. He couldn’t get far enough and he felt a tight knot in the base of his throat before gripping the metal again. “For those I’d hurt, directly and indirectly. To those who’d suffered under King Bradley’s rule. Killing me will not make their lives good again, but it will give them a reason to believe Amestris is a place for them too. That it acknowledges the wrongs that have been done towards them. And this is worth more than my life, Edward.”

A part of Roy – a cowardly part of him – was hoping that Edward will be out of the country on one of his travels when he got his verdict. That way he wouldn’t have had to go through this. He wouldn’t have to see him. He wouldn’t have to face everything that he would be giving up. Edward moved his hand back to the bars, and the fluttering of his skin against Roy’s was intoxicating. Roy moved his hand, hesitatingly placing it on Edward’s. “Any good I might have done in the future, had I had the chance – I firmly believe it will still happen,” he said. “Amestris still has good people. It has Fuhrer Armstrong. It has Riza Hawkeye,” once she would be out of jail, he added to himself. “It has you. It has your brother. Isn’t that enough?”

Roy watched in pain when Edward let out a short, bitter laugh. “It won’t have me.I’m not staying in a country that’s gonna execute you. I don’t care how fair you or anyone else thinks it is. I won’t support it. I can’t accept this. I can’t forgive it. It’s never gonna be okay no matter how much time passes. I made my promise to you, no one else.” Ed shook his head. Roy felt his hand tense under his touch, but he didn’t move away. “I’m going back home, east, where I belong. It was stupid of me to come back and think I’d find a place here.”

The words hit Roy like daggers in his heart. Edward was going to… leave? Because of him?

Did he even have any right to ask him to stay?

“I am not going to try and change your decision,” he said, and the words felt heavy. Almost like they belonged to someone else. “And I am not going to tell you it would be wrong of you. But it saddens me. Amestris should have more people like you.”

“It’s not like I can benefit it much. I’m gonna have to walk around feeling like I’m missing a piece of heart for a long time. I think it’s a fair trade considering most people won’t even notice I’m gone.”

The daggers in Roy’s heart twisted. “I…” he started. How was he supposed to reply to that? Edward had never confided such thought in him. Not that, he added bitterly in his head, he had any right to think Edward should have. “I didn’t realize you felt like this. But I would like you to move on when I am gone. I would like you to at least try. I care for you too much to be able to go knowing this.” He moved his finger over Edward’s skin. “Please. Don’t hold yourself back because of me. At least try to find a way to fill that void.”

“It’s not your fault.” Edward said softly. Roy closed his eyes, trying to overcome the pain when he moved his head down a bit and pressed his cheek into Roy’s hand. “I never said anything ‘cause I didn’t want to make things weird,” he whispered. “I didn’t mean to care so much. I tried not to. I knew nothing would come of it, and I was okay with that. I didn’t expect more, but I never thought something like this would happen.”

Roy felt Edward’s soft sigh against his skin. How was he supposed to tell him now that he felt the same? Would it have made any difference had he admitted it before? He wanted to think he would have been strong enough, that he would’ve believed in his morals enough to be able to make the same decisions. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly as he forced himself to face Edward’s pain again.

“I’m not that naive kid who could fall back on his alchemy to survive. We both know I’d be a shit solider or politician. Even if I stayed here, it’s not like I’d be doing anything great. There’d be nothing to miss, and I’ll never support a regime that executes you.” Edward lifted his face to look at Roy again.

“You will be missed,” Roy said. “People will notice. People tend to take the sun for granted, until they lose it,” he managed a soft, sad smile. Edward was the brightest sun Amestris had even known. It would be a shame that it’d lose him. “I know you are not a politician and you never will be. But even without performing alchemy, you are one of the brightest men I’d ever had the pleasure to meet. You are one of the best men I’d ever had the pleasure to meet. Even when you didn’t live here, you were still more important to Amestris than I’d ever been. Even after you gave up your alchemy you never ceased to be the Hero of the People. And even if you never set foot in Amestris again, this is how you will be remembered here. But…” he paused, admitting the next words with difficulty. “I can understand why you would like to leave.”

“It doesn’t matter. That kind of adoration is empty.” Roy felt the sharp wave of air when Edward scoffed. “If they knew me, really knew who I was, they’d change their mind about me. All they see is someone who doesn’t exist anymore.”

“Maybe you can say the same about me,” Roy replied in a quiet voice. He didn’t want this to turn into an argument, but he couldn’t let Edward continue on, thinking so little of himself. And if he couldn’t do that… the least he could do was convince him that Roy’s execution wouldn’t be as big a loss as he was making of it. “I was just an idea, like you say you were. But Olivier will carry it on and make it happen, and she will need all the support she can get to make this change. The people of Amestris don’t even know what a democracy is. They might not be able to understand, at first, that it is better for them. Change is always hard and there are always those who will object it. I wish you would stay when I’m gone. But I am not going to ask you to.” He didn’t have any right to, dead or alive.

A selfish, primitive part of him wish Edward hadn’t told him his intentions to leave Amestris after his execution. He could leave this world calme had he thought his death didn’t have such an effect on someone he cared about so much. He wasn’t naïve enough to believe it wouldn’t have an effect at all; but he meant what he’d said to Edward. It saddened him to know that Edward was going to leave because of him.

“That’s not true,” Edward said, cutting into Roy’s thoughts. “You’re not just an idea, Roy. So many people would be lost without you. No one will do what you could have done. What is the point in living in a place that kills off its protector? Whether you want to admit it or not, that’s what you became.” 

Roy shook his head. “Someone else will have that title when I’m gone. That idea won’t die away just because I did, Edward.”

He watched as Edward lowered his head, leaning it against the bars. He could see his internal struggle, felt the knot in his stomach tightening and the daggers in his heart piercing farther at the obvious pain Edward was feeling. He wanted to reach out to him, wanted to hold his hand. His instincts told him to make an empty promise that things will be okay. Even lie and say he’d try to fight for his own life. But he knew it wasn’t right. He knew he couldn’t do that to Edward. More than that; he knew Edward well enough, respected him enough, to know he’d see right through him.

Roy had no intentions leaving this world having insulted Edward like that, especially when he was already hurting him so badly by accepting his verdict without a fight. He decided to stay still instead, give Edward the time he needed to mourn, to let Roy’s words and the situation sink in.

Eventually, Edward looked up at him again. He looked uneasy, almost haunted. “Did the Ishvalans at least have a say in the verdict?” Edward sounded like he was desperately to cling to something that would make sense out of the situation.

Roy felt awful to disappoint him, but he’d already decided he wasn’t going to lie to him. “Only Miles was there,” he said in flat, factual voice. He had no intention sharing that Miles was one of those who voted jail time instead of execution. It would just cause more pain and there was no need for Edward to know this. He was hurting bad enough.

“So the people you’ve wronged had nothing to say about your punishment?” Edward’s hand flew from the prison bars to his head, messing with the loose bangs over his forehead. “You know what? Don’t answer that. I don’t… it doesn’t matter.” His hand dropped from his hair back to hold on the metal bar. “If I thought for a second there was something I could do or say to change your mind, I would. I would get on my knees and beg you not to do this.”

Roy moved his hand closer to Edward’s, his fingers inching towards his. When he didn’t move, didn’t flinch away, Roy weaved their fingers together.

“I know,” he said softly. He’d heard the way his voice shook and felt how his emotions were starting to get the best of him. He moved closer and leaned his forehead against the bars, trying to get as close to Edward as he could. “I’m sorry,” his voice was barely over a whisper. “I…” he started, but what could he say to him that would make it less painful. He took a deep breath and let it out in a shaky sigh, almost a sob. He tightened his hold on Edward’s fingers, opening his eyes to look at him. From this close he couldn’t see much, and Edward’s bangs itched in his eyes, but it didn’t matter. “I know you have good friends in Xing. Go to them. I know they will take you in.” His voice felt like it belonged to someone else, standing in the distance. “I hope that they will help you heal. Help you forget about me.”

He heard Edward’s choked breaths, felt the warm air hitting his face and Edward’s fingers clenching over his. “Don’t you get it? I can’t forget you, Roy. Even if I tried.”

Roy felt Edward’s hold loosening, his fingers slipping away from him. It made him look up as if someone kicked him in the guts and hold tight to the bar as if he was drowning. No, it wasn’t time yet. They still had a few more minutes – he knew it – no guard had come over to tell them their time is up yet. He felt his chest tightening, felt how difficult it became to breathe. He saw Edward’s eyes lowering and followed them, seeing Edward’s hand reaching down to his pants’ pocket before he drew it back out, holding something. He brought his hand up and looked at something that he held there before handing it over to Roy.

Three coins rested there, seemingly innocent but holding so much meaning. Roy stared at it in disbelief. He remembered clearly the day Edward had asked for it, the day he’d made his promise.

“I wanted to give this back to you. I kept hold on it for long enough,” Edward’s voice was quiet.

Roy swallowed. He reached between the bars to hold on Edward’s hand; but he didn’t take the money. Instead, he guided Edward’s hand to close on them. “I cannot take it,” he said. “I didn’t earn it. I won’t have anything to do with it.”

He felt Edward’s hand pressuring against his, and he forced the coins into Roy’s hand. “You gave it to me so I could make an important phone call. It was never mine to keep for this long.” Edward’s hand moved away, and the coins fell to the floor in echoing clink on the prison floor as Roy refused to take them. “I only said all that bullshit so _this_ wouldn’t happen.”

Roy felt the daggers in his heart twisting again. He wanted to apologize again, but knew that it wouldn’t make any difference anymore. “I meant to do it,” he said instead. “Turn this country into a democracy. But – “

“Now it’s someone else’s problem. Got it.”

Roy closed his eyes momentarily. When he opened them again he saw the 520 cenzs scattered on the floor at Edward’s feet. He looked up. “I don’t want us to part like this,” he said, the honestly making his voice shake. For the first time since he stood over Maes’s grave he felt a sting behind his eyes. “Please?”

He saw Edward’s eyes widen. Was it because he could see how close Roy was to his breaking point, or was it the plea that made him understand just how much he was hurting?

Roy wasn’t sure what he was expecting would happen next. Did he want Edward to apologize for speaking so harshly at him? A small, shameful part of him did. Wanted them to apologize to each other, say some empty words neither of them believed but drew comfort from regardless. But he knew Edward wasn’t that kind of person. Just like Roy knew he couldn’t insult Edward’s intelligence by lying, Edward wouldn’t degrade him by doing that, either.

Did he want Edward to hurt him enough so he wouldn’t care? So he could walk to the execution chair and take his poison being so mad at the man he loved that he wouldn’t care how deeply he hurt him?

Or did he want for Edward to finally understand what Roy had been telling him since the moment he’d got here. That his execution is inevitable. That any way to fight it would result in another rebellion.

All options seemed just as implausible.

He watched Edward’s bangs moving slightly as he shook his head. “I won’t lie to you,” he said. His voice was low, broken. “I can’t give you what you want.”

It felt as if his world had shattered. He should have expected it, this brutal honesty. Edward was never the type to mess around the bush, preferring a face-on attitude than the political manipulation Roy was typically used to. Knowing this did not change how it made him feel. He closed his eyes, breathing hard as he tried to compose himself. He managed to do it, mostly; but he felt the warm wetness on his cheek, next to his nose, as a few tears escaped his eyes. He squeezed against the metal bars, feeling the sharp pain of his nails digging into his palm, before he let go. He took a deep breath and opened his eyes, although he still didn’t feel strong enough to be able to look directly at Edward.

“I understand,” he said, hearing his own voice betraying how broken he felt inside. He was mad at himself for showing this weakness. Not because he felt ashamed of it; but because he had no right to weight this on Edward. Not ever, but especially not now.

“I don’t have anything else left to give. I can’t make you fight this and see if there’s a better way.” Roy ventured a glance up, seeing some tears falling on Edward’s face, too. He wanted to reach over and wipe them away, but if earlier he wasn’t sure he was allowed to, now it was very clear that he couldn’t. “Don’t expect me to forgive you or anyone who did this.”

Roy felt the knife in his heart twisting and digging deeper. A part of him knew that part of Edward’s anger was directed at him – for not fighting, for accepting his fate like this – but to hear him saying that he would never forgive him…

Roy didn’t want to leave this world like this. He knew many people would be angry at him for giving up, but he thought Edward would understand, eventually. He swallowed, holding himself up despite the sharp pain in his heart. He could only hope he would understand. If not today, then tomorrow, or next month, or next year.

“I only hope you will be able to find happiness later in your life,” he said. There was nothing else he could do. Edward had said so himself: there was nothing he could say to make him think it was justice to kill him. What good would it do to keep pressing the point which Edward made clear he did not want to be persuaded otherwise?

“If you wanna lie to yourself and believe that,” Roy’s heart broke at how broken those words sounded. “I won’t stop you.”

Roy wanted to say something, to stop him; but he couldn’t think of anything to say, and he found himself watching Edward’s distancing back. He wished he’d turn, wished he’d come back, and at the same time hoping he would never look back at what they almost had.

When he heard the heavy prison door shutting close, the last of his strength abandoned him, and he fell to the cold floor. It hurt, but the physical pain barely even registered in his mind. His heart ached too much. There were so many things he still wanted to say, things he wished he’d said so Edward wouldn’t leave like that.

He knew it was final. There was still a whole week before he’d be gone, but something in him told him he would never see Edward again.

He stretched his neck up as he tried to control the tears that now streamed almost freely down his face. He’d missed his chance to confess his true feelings. It was the right thing to do, he knew it; but that knowledge didn’t ease the pain.

Roy’s head dropped, his cheek leaning against the cold prison bars as he tried to compose himself. He opened his eyes when he started to feel threatened from the darkness. The prison corridor felt emptier than it did before Edward’s visit, colder and darker. His eyes landed on the only thing that sparkled in the dull space: the three coins Edward had dropped on the floor, refusing to take them back when Roy didn’t accept. A memory of a better, more hopeful time, when Roy still thought he’d be able to achieve his goals. Of a time Edward still had faith in him.

He reached over and grabbed the coins, holding them tightly in his hand. He should’ve taken it when Edward offered it, even though he did not earn it. He felt sorry for breaking his promise to Edward. He regretted so many things he’d done, so many things he hadn’t done but should’ve.

Death sounded like a safe haven, almost.


End file.
